Went and developed some pictures today. Took only one hour at a new place I tried, and I now regret sending my first roll to another shop. The other shop said it would take two weeks.
I picked up the pictures after class, and was able to look at them on my computer and damn, the quality of these Japanese scanners. The file is really small so not really detailed but the colours are so good. Even the cheapest of film looks magnificent and has deep black.
I don’t know if this modern society and my generation of self-centered people or just below-the-earth-self-esteem-level that makes me obsessed with pictures of myself but there is one that came up that I like a lot.
Looking at it, I don’t really like the expression I have and I’d say I look pretty dumb on it, but I love the atmosphere. The grain of the picture reminds me old photographs of the 80s or 90s.
So I’m happy I have something to hold on, into the form of pixels and I can safely tell myself « this is me, see, you don’t have to hate yourself everyday, you’re nice here. »
I feel guilty posting pictures of myself and selfies always take me through an inner battle where I ponder or not to make it public. Which I know is for the most part useless worry, but worry that is there nonetheless.
Since I understood that identity is partly shaped by outside perception and partly shaped by one’s intentions, I know I still have a hold onto who I am and I’m not just the passive recipient of what people perceive of me (or what I think they’re thinking)(hello low self-esteem, please continue making me feel miserable.)
So I’ll hold onto pictures of me, where I like a bit of myself. And I can pretend I come from some previous decades where I know little enough to dare think it was a bit more worry-free.
I think I may be fantasizing a careless youth.