the wave I was surfing on is slowly dying again and here I am with a bit of ingratitude and unsatisfaction.
I’m not really happy. University seems like a joke, and a bad one. The courses in Japanese are now getting serious and even though they are really interesting, they are hard to follow. It requires a focus of 1h30 without breaks and it’s a continuous flow of words and unknown vocabulary crashing into my mind.
When it’s about known subject, it is alright and I can kind of guess. Dutch Culture for now is focusing on European history, and I understand not too badly. European Languages is so far alright, the second class being about the French language (with a professor that was speaking French and was delighted to let some French words flow)(and who apparently ‘never seemed so happy’ and he even talked about the fact that he could speak French with a student in another class ahah). Let’s see how it’ll be later on, but I’m trying!
The hardest is about Asian Languages and Cultures. The teacher is amazing, but the subject totally unknown. Today was about Chinese ethnicities and all the language policies/concepts China has been going through. I have a vague idea of what is going on with Chinese ethnicities but it is really, only the big picture. I was confronted today with the fact that there were 55 ethnicities in China, representing 8% of the population (the major one being the Hans, making up the rest) and as many languages etc… The names of each ethnicities kind of change in Japanese and I spent a great deal of time trying to understand each of them. Some of the handouts given as well could have been straight up Chinese too because of the number of kanji.
It’s really hard to translate and to follow the course at the same time. But I knew it when I took the course so I’ll just suck it up.
The sad thing is that the courses in Japanese are way more interesting than the courses in Japanese, which are dumbed down with a robotic teacher that speaks for 90mn without any intonations and no one understands what they say. I am very unhappy with the fact that one of them seems to be very bothered that I asked the course to be as indicated, in English. As a result, he just stares at me during 90mn, repeating the same information (about doing survey research, amazing) in different ways and making us watch the same 90s video about survey research in England. None of the Japanese students understand a thing and I am just exasperated. I’m not hiding it and I think we are both getting angry at each other.
He needs to take on his responsibility. If he said his course was in English, it will be in damn English. Do what you say damnit.
In addition, I understand that the things making me unhappy can seem a bit futile and easily put aside, but I find it hard to push it away really. I understood the fact that I sound like the grumpy/overstressed student and I feel like it has pushed away many other exchange students. Or if it has not, I receive bitter comments about the subject of my worries, and it doesn’t make things better.
I want to let go but I am not here to not completely care either. I can’t be completely detached because I still need to pass these courses. The other exchange students can allow themselves to fail their 3 courses, but I need to pass 8 to validate this semester. And I can’t remove this out of my mind when I am told that I worry for nothing and am basically ruining everyone’s mind. What I do now is that I shut up and go on living my life on my own, but I’m just eating up the anxiety and I let it flourish inside of me. I just end up feeling sick, tired and not amused.
Putting things and ideas into words is good for the mind, so I’ll really try my best to keep my rants and my negative impressions onto this blog.
My, it is complicated. I receive sweet words and support but I can’t help brushing them away like if I didn’t deserve it.
It feels like I am consciously putting myself into a hole, telling people about it and eventually adding: « by the way, no one helps me please, let me die here while I complain and you watch. »
Which is not what I want to be doing, but it feels like I’m well into that process.
Can someone come and help my self-esteem please?